Time is a Thief

I turned 38 years old today. Thirty-eight years!

When my mom was 38, I was a 19-year-old college sophomore who thought of 38 as old and uncool. Now, here I am with a 17-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son who both think I’m old and “sus,” as they like to say. I keep telling them that “sus” is an actual word that I often read in British historical fiction books when someone appears dishonest or under suspicion of a crime, but they just briefly raise an eyebrow my way before walking off to find something more entertaining to pursue. At least my five-year-old still thinks I’m awesome.

I remember as a kid always wishing I was older. When I’m five, I can go to school and ride the school bus. When I’m in 7^th grade, I can play on the school basketball team. When I turn 16, I can drive! When I’m 18, I’ll be an adult and can do what I want. My elders used to tell me, “Don’t wish your life away,” or “Enjoy being a kid while you can,” or “Adulting is not all it’s cracked up to be.” They were right. Childhood is but a whisper in the wind, there for a moment and then gone, but a memory. The Bible tells us that life itself is fleeting:

“You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Everyone is but a breath, even those who seem secure,” (Psalm 39:5).

I’ve often heard that the years seem to fly by more quickly the older you get, and I would agree. I try to tell my kids this, but like me during my childhood, they feel something better is always around the corner. You don’t appreciate youth until it’s gone.

When I think about my life up to this point, it’s crazy how much I have experienced. It often seems a bit surreal, like my past is broken up into randomly scattered fragments that I cling to in my mind to outline my life story. I don’t remember a lot and much of what I do feels like scenes from a movie that someone else starred in. Every day is a new episode, and I can’t say that I’d want to watch many of those re-runs. I’m ashamed of a lot from my past.

Love > Sin

It’s weird when you consider some of the things you remember from your youth. One of my earlier memories took place when I was probably around 5 years old. I was shopping at Wal-Mart with my mom and aunt. I wandered away from them and started walking around the store taking random pieces of clothing off the racks and laying them on the floor. I don’t know how long I did this, but eventually an employee noticed what I was doing and told me to stop, that I was in trouble, and asked where my parents were.

This may not seem like a big deal to most, but I remember feeling this huge sense of dread at the time because, in all honesty, I was a good kid. Very rarely did I do something to get into trouble for, at least until I was a bit older. I vaguely remember a security man talking to me, and then my aunt finding me, apologizing profusely, and then making me pick up the clothes and put them back on the racks. When we got back to my mom, she was not pleased to say the least.

To this day, I don’t know why I did that, whether it was for attention or just simply acting out. All I remember afterward was feeling immense shame and embarrassment and avoided going back into that Wal-Mart for years, fearing I would come face-to-face with that employee or security guy again.

In 38 years, I have accomplished many things in life that I’m proud of, but there are many things I wish I could do over. Oftentimes, I wonder how God could ever love or forgive me because there were many times throughout my life when I struggled to love and forgive myself. During those times, I would turn away from God feeling ashamed, defeated, and worthless. Like the Wal-Mart example above, I felt if I avoided showing my face to God, eventually the embarrassment and shame would diminish enough that I could reach out to Him again.

Fortunately, that’s not how God works. Although I turned my face away from God at times, He never turned away from me. I take great comfort in Jesus’ words, “And behold, I am always with you, to the end of the age,” (Matthew 28:20). What a promise and blessing, to know that no matter what, God is with us! He’s got our back, even when we’re facing our lowest times. Like clean clothing abandoned on a dirty floor of a retail store, God simply picks us up, brushes us off, and puts us back on the rack.

There has been much sadness, disappointment, anger, failure, loneliness, and sin during my 38 years. However, there has also been a vast amount of joy, laughter, fulfillment, forgiveness, and love. I thank the Lord that “…love covers a multitude of sins,” (1 Peter 4:8).

Jesus loved me so much, He was willing to die a terrible, demeaning, and painful death to pay for my sins with his righteous blood, and that is something I could never repay no matter how hard I try. Nevertheless, after 38 years of knowledge and maturity I now understand that although that debt cannot be repaid, as a Christian, I should do my best to give back to God what I can by doing what He has called me to do.

My Calling

Have you ever felt that you should be doing something different with your life or that you were meant for something greater…some larger aim? If so, you’re not alone.

A few years ago, I began to feel a little lost, like I was going through the motions of daily life without purpose. I was second-guessing my decisions and making life unbearable not only for myself but also for my husband and kids. I was confused and discontented, and it made my home an unhappy place at times. I felt like I was supposed to be doing something else professionally, but I just didn’t know what.

At the time, I had been a registered nurse for about eight years, but I had dreams to be a writer. I was experiencing the dreaded job burn-out, and I knew I needed a change. At one point, I even made a social media post asking for input from others on this question: Should I chase the money or the dream?

Most respondents encouraged me to “Chase the dream!” while a few answered, “Go for the money!” The dream for me was to leave the nursing profession for good and try my hand at writing. On the other hand, the money option included going to graduate school to advance my career and become a nurse practitioner.

I debated this decision until I almost drove myself crazy. I even prayed about it, a lot, but I wasn’t getting a clear (or really any) answer from God. I was getting frustrated and decided to make the decision on my own. I concluded that I didn’t want to throw away all the years of nursing I had invested and that a significantly larger monthly income, the prestige of adding letters behind my name, and the importance of a white lab coat would make me happy and fulfill that void in my life.

Guess what? That did not happen. Fast forward 3-4 years, and I found myself making more money than I’d ever had but also more stressed and miserable than I’d ever been with less time for my family and friends than ever.

I remember one friend had responded to my above-mentioned social media post with, “Could you do both?” At the time, I didn’t really pay attention to her comment. However, more recently it became something I contemplated often. Eventually, I realized it didn’t have to be one or the other, and through a great amount of prayer, I finally found my way.

Today, on my 38^th birthday, I’m not only fulfilling my long-held dream of becoming a writer, but I’m also tackling God’s calling in my life while continuing a career in nursing.

What is a Calling?

A calling to me is a purpose or mission that someone has been given. There were a few times in my life that I felt God was directing me down a certain path or toward a specific decision, but most of those times I was either too afraid to take that first step or too busy to seriously consider what was heavy on my heart.

While many of the well-known Bible stories are about men, there were several women highlighted throughout God’s Word that fulfilled a special calling from Him. One of my favorite biblical women is Deborah. In a male dominated world, Deborah not only became the only female judge to lead the Israelite people before the first king was chosen, but she also used her wisdom to bring about 40 years of peace during a time of turmoil. You can read more about her in Judges:4.

Recently, I’ve felt God leading me to do something more for Him than just filling a seat in a pew in church every Sunday. This last year especially, I’ve been praying for God to lead me down the path He wishes for me so that I may do the work He has planned for me.

God calls all His followers to complete a great task, the Great Commission, which directs us to spread God’s Word to others. “Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you,” (Matthew 28: 19-20).

While this is His calling for all Christians, I wanted to know my specific calling.

So, what is my big calling?

This is. This blog is my calling. While it may not seem like a major feat for most, to me it’s everything.

I don’t know what God’s going to do through my blog, but I will be obedient to complete this task. I’m putting my faith and trust in His plans for me. If this blog brings even one person to Christ, then I have succeeded. If even one Christian woman who has strayed away from God is brought back to the flock, then I have succeeded.

What is God calling you to do? Are you already fulfilling your calling or still trying to figure it out?  If you don’t know, I encourage you to seek Him out daily and ask Him to reveal His calling for your life. He will do it, just as He’s done for me.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you,” (Matthew 7:7). Just be patient for His answer and obedient to follow through when He guides you.

It took me 38 years to finally stop, get out of my own way, and allow God to lead me to my calling. I pray you don’t delay your calling because we don’t know how long we have here on earth to fulfill the task God has given to us.

“Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes,” (James 4:14).

Have a blessed week!

~Becky