False Ideals

These days, when I look in the mirror, I notice more and more fine lines around my mouth and eyes. My husband and I look back at old pictures and we’re amazed at our baby faces. I also notice certain areas of my body where extra weight stubbornly clings to, which is distressing.

Summer is upon us, and while I love this time of year for many reasons, I also dread it because it is swimsuit season. While that may seem silly, it’s completely true. I hate wearing swimsuits because I hate how I look in them.

I think about the many times in my life when I’ve been unhappy with my physical appearance. If you could permanently change one physical characteristic of yourself, would you do so? If yes, what would you change? Maybe you’ve already made that change.

In all honestly, I would have a hard time choosing just one thing to change about my appearance if I had the opportunity. I also feel that at different points in my life, my choice would have differed as well.

For example, in my high school years I would have given almost anything to be taller. I played a variety of sports, one of which was basketball. At 5’5” tall, I was a basketball starter that played on the block as a power forward. Needless to say, my aggressiveness had to make up for my size.

My basketball coach once asked me, “Why couldn’t you have been taller?” With a 6’ tall father, I often wondered and asked God that question myself.

While I can’t speak for every woman, I feel most of us at some point in our lives have had body image issues. Trying to examine this from the outside-in, I don’t feel it’s surprising that many women feel mediocre compared to the unrealistic physical ideals the media portrays as most attractive and desirable.

Even those who are considered the most beautiful women in the world still have their images photoshopped on magazine covers. We live in a world of facades, where it’s often hard to discriminate between fantasy and reality.

We are told by our culture we are beautiful IF we have a particular body shape or IF our lips are pouty or IF we wear our makeup a certain way or IF we dress in a particular style or IF our hair mimics that of the movie stars or IF we look ten years younger than we really are.

The problem is, this cultural ideal of what is beautiful constantly changes, so you will never be able to attain it. This is done purposefully so you will continue to go buy different beauty products, new clothes, get your hair and nails done, purchase weight-loss products and supplements, get braces, get contacts, get Botox, get cosmetic surgeries, and change your appearance to fit in and be more attractive to whomever it is out there setting these unattainable beauty standards.

According to the Aesthetic Society (2023), Americans spent more than $14.6 billion on aesthetic procedures in 2021 alone.

I’m not harping on anyone who does any of these things because I do them too!  I couldn’t tell you how much money I’ve spent just this last year on facial products and make-up to cover up my blemishes and help decrease fine lines and wrinkles. I have also dyed and highlighted my hair numerous times over the years, but I often get tired of the maintenance and go back to my natural color for a time.

As a teenager, I used tanning beds. I wish I never had as I now have lasting effects to my skin from tanning. Now, I alternate between sunless tanning lotion and skin-firming lotion, neither of which really makes that much of a difference, yet I continue to buy them. I wear contacts. My ears are pierced. I also get pedicures and use teeth whitening products. When I was 18, much to my mom’s displeasure, I got a nose ring for a short time. Then, later that same year, I raised my dad’s ire when I got a tattoo.

Now, you do you ladies, but just know, these things aren’t necessary because each of us is a beautiful creation of God in our own right. He made each of us a unique individual in His own image, and that is a beautiful thing indeed. “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” (Genesis 1:27)

Romans 12:2 further instructs us, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

Unwanted

One biblical woman who likely experienced insecurity and self-deprecation about her looks was Leah. You can read her story in Genesis 29-31.

Leah was forced into a deception in which her father gave her as a bride to Jacob. As Jacob gained his inheritance from his father through his own deceptive scheme, could this have been a case of just deserts?

No matter, Jacob was in love with Leah’s younger sister Rachel and had worked for the girls’ father, Laban, for seven years to marry Rachel. The Bible describes the two sisters as follows: “Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful.” (Genesis 29:17)

Wow! Which description would you prefer of those two? While we can’t be sure what is meant by Leah’s “weak eyes,” we can infer that the description represents some blemish that was considered less attractive when compared to her sister.

Following Hebrew customs of the time, during the wedding ceremony, the bride would have worn elaborate head coverings, and the wedding festivities would have gone late into the darkness of evening.

Imagine Jacob’s surprise and anger when he woke the next morning to see it was Leah and not Rachel lying beside him. Imagine Leah’s embarrassment and shame dealing with a husband who did not want her because she wasn’t beautiful like her sister.

Having been deceived, Jacob went to Laban and demanded he be given his rightful bride, and he was for the fulfillment of seven more years of labor.

Throughout his marriages, there was no doubt that Jacob loved and preferred Rachel. While Leah may not have been physically beautiful, her true beauty came from her loyalty and good character. Despite continuously craving the love her husband was unwilling to give her, Leah endeavored to be a good wife and mother.

She also remained faithful to God. Therefore, God showed his love to Leah by blessing her with six sons and one daughter. He further elevated Leah over her sister through her family line. Not only would Leah’s son Levi become the father of the priestly Israelite tribe, but through her son Judah’s line would come the Messiah, Jesus Christ.

After her fourth son was born, she realized nothing she did could endear her to her husband, and so she turned it all over to God. “…This time I will praise the Lord…”

Beauty in the Eye of the Beholder

I was a tomboy growing up, so I never really thought about my appearance much until middle school. As puberty kicked in and bodies began changing in preparation for adulthood, physical differences between classmates became more apparent.

I was born with a small round birthmark above my right eyebrow. My mom always told me it was a beauty mark, but I knew she just said that because that’s what moms say. I never really paid much heed to it because it was always there, a natural part of me.

Over the years, occasionally someone would point it out and ask me what it was or how I got it. Automatically, my hand would go up to feel it, like I had forgotten it was there or maybe just to cover it up. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized my birthmark made me stand out more than I thought or wanted.

One of my best friends dated a guy for a while who lived in a neighboring town. Many times, when she’d go hang out with him and his friends, she’d asked me to come along so she didn’t have to go alone. Later, from a mutual friend, I found out that group referred to me as “Moley.” It made me wonder if other people thought or said similar things and I just didn’t know about it.

One of my classmates at a reunion dinner even told me she used to be entranced with my birthmark and would sit in class and “just stare at it.” I didn’t really know how to respond to that revelation. I did consider having it removed at one point, but I thought God must have given it to me for a reason and it doesn’t cause any physical harm, so I decided to leave it be.

My weight was another issue that plagued me as a teen, and honestly still does at times. I was part of a close-knit group of ten girls that all played basketball. Almost all these friends were thin and pretty, and unlike me, they always had tons of guys that liked them.

I had what my mom referred to as an “athletic build.” I called myself fat, and compared to the other girls, that’s truly how I saw myself. I started the cycle of binging and purging food when I was in eighth grade. I told no one except for my best friend, and I honestly don’t know if she ever told anyone else. She was just a kid too, so I’m sure she didn’t know what to do about it. No one ever confronted me about it, so I continued.

As a healthcare provider, I now recognize it as bulimia, and I didn’t seek any medical help for it, although I did pray to God for help. This unhealthy habit intermittently continued until my first pregnancy, at which time I stopped, knowing I had to take care of my child and myself.

I admit at times, I still struggle with the thoughts, but I’m happy to say I no longer act on them. I now try to control my weight through healthier means.

My husband and I saved up and purchased a home gym set-up so that we could maintain a regular exercise routine throughout the year. Time constraints and fatigue after a long day of work often make it difficult to maintain, but we do our best.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 tells us, “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” While I feel this passage primarily refers to keeping our bodies sexually pure, I also think it can relate to keeping our bodies healthy in order to fulfill God’s will in our lives.

It is important to honor the body (the temple) God has given us by eating healthy and staying physically active. We only get one body, so it’s important to keep it in the best shape we can so it can last the duration of this earthly life.

The Bible teaches us while being physically fit is important, being spiritually fit is even more vital. “For while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.” (1 Timothy 4:8)

As a teen, I worried about things that now seem so superficial and silly. I wish I could go back in time and have a heart-to-heart with myself, especially about not being so concerned with how others perceive me. I look back now and think, why did I waste so much time and effort trying to impress those people?

The only judgement that truly matters is God’s, and He’s more concerned with our inner selves. This is evident in 1 Samuel 16:7, “…The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Have you been in self-demoralizing cycles that you just can’t get out of? Do you obsess over physical beauty? Are you ashamed of your aging body?

If so, I encourage you to see yourself as God sees you, as an exceptional and beautiful being. God made you, YOU for a reason. No one is exactly like you, even if you’re a twin. You are loved, and you are enough, just as you are. If others don’t see that, it doesn’t matter because God does.

When I look in the mirror or when others look at me, I hope the focus isn’t on a birthmark or extra pounds or blemished skin. I hope we see ourselves and others more than skin-deep and look to inner beauty while realizing that outwardly, we’re all uniquely beautiful.

Proverbs 27:19 reads, “As water reflects the face, so one’s life reflects the heart.”

At 38 years old, I think this is what I would want others to see in me and what I strive to see in myself:

• A woman who loves God and seeks to do His will
• A loving mother trying to raise kind, respectful, honest, and responsible kids
• A proud and devoted wife
• A successful woman who has been blessed with more than I deserve
• A joyful giver
• An empathetic listener and trustful confidant

When you look in the mirror each morning, what kind of woman do you see? Are you proud of that person or disappointed or a little bit of both? When someone looks at you and your life, what do you think they see? What do you want them to see? What does God see?

I’ll end with words from 1 Peter 3:3-4: “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”

Have a blessed week!

-Becky