“Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak…I am forgotten as though I were dead; I have become like broken pottery…But I trust in you, LORD; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in your hands…Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love. Let me not be put to shame, LORD, for I have cried out to you…” (Psalm 31:9-10, 12, 14-15a, 16-17a).

These past few weeks have been some difficult ones for me, both physically and emotionally. I’ve been dealing with a stagnant divorce process for over a year now, experienced my seventeenth wedding anniversary last weekend, worried over my cousin’s recent acute illness and hospitalization, and have pushed my body to its limits cleaning and purging and fixing whatever I can around my home all while struggling with some inconvenient sciatic pain.

A few months back, I made the choice to sell my house to try to get legal proceedings moving. I have been praying over this for the last year asking God to reveal to me what path He wants me to take regarding the house and whether He wants me to stay here or move on to start over elsewhere.

Frustratingly, I wasn’t getting any clear direction from the Lord, just silence with a feeling to wait. However, if you know me or have kept up with my blog, you know I’m not the most patient of individuals. Frankly, I am ready to move on to new things both for my kids and for myself. Therefore, I decided to sell the house, and I pray God doesn’t punish me for not waiting on Him and that everything works out for the better.

“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps,” (Proverbs 16:9).

Upon getting the legal go-ahead to sell, I have tirelessly worked, with the help of my family and friends, to get my home and property ready. The day it was listed on the market was especially hard. Seeing pictures of the home I built with my family over the last fourteen years out there for all to see was bittersweet.

Our home is the only one my boys have ever known. Each room is full of memories and decorated with meaningful items. My kids picked out their own rooms and the wall colors and helped me paint them, and their individual personalities are represented wherever you look. Our pets are buried here. My anniversary and Mother’s Day flowers bloom outside every spring and summer. The trees my kids planted continue to grow.

Many have asked why I don’t keep the house. Initially, I was going to because I didn’t want everything to change for my kids. I wanted them to have stability within their home. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it’s just a house. Our home is wherever we are together, and we’ll bring our memories and all our stuff with us wherever we end up next. We’ll make more memories and transform our new house into a home, one that won’t be associated with the brokenness and negativity of the past.

At church this past Sunday, everything caught up to me and I just felt so overwhelmed and burdened. I’m sure you’ve experienced this before, when you feel you’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders, and you don’t know how you’re even standing upright. You’re desperate to somehow lessen that load.

The Lord, through my pastor, spoke straight to my heart Sunday. Pastor Matt reminded us that when we draw near to the Lord, He will draw near to us. Then, he said something that completely broke through to me. He said, “When life gives you more than you can stand, kneel.”

In my desperation that day, that’s exactly what I did. I humbly hit my knees at the altar and emotionally laid all that stress and strife and exhaustion and grief out before the Lord. In doing so, He provided me with peace as I move forward letting go of material things, with forgiveness for not waiting for His timing when making big decisions in my life, and with hope for a future with my family that is just as He intended for us.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose,” (Romans 8:28).

Have you ever been in a situation when you felt completely overwhelmed, unsure of your next step, desperate to achieve your goals and fulfill your responsibilities but unsure how to go about it? You felt there was no one to help you out of the situation you found yourself in, so you did whatever it took to overcome the predicament, even though that choice may not have been the best one.

I think most of us could relate to times in our lives when things weren’t going well, burdens were piling up, feelings of loneliness or neglect were high, and experiences of desperation and helplessness were present.

There’s a woman in the Bible who felt abandoned and unappreciated. In desperation, she took matters into her own hands to change her future.

Tamar

(Genesis 38)

Tamar was the daughter-in-law of Judah, who was one of the sons of Jacob and Leah and patriarch to the largest tribe of Israel. Tamar was initially married to Judah’s eldest son, Er. The Bible informs us that Er was a wicked man, and because of his sinful nature, God ended his life.

In biblical times, when a woman was widowed without any children, it was a custom for the brother of the deceased to marry the widow and provide her with children who would then carry on the family line of the deceased individual. Therefore, Judah made his second son, Onan, marry Tamar. “Then Judah said to Onan, ‘Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother,’” (Genesis 38:8).

However, Onan did not want to have children who would carry on his brother’s line instead of his own. Therefore, whenever he slept with Tamar, he would “spill his semen on the ground” to ensure her continued barrenness. God was not pleased with Onan; and therefore, his life was forfeited as well.

Judah only had one living son remaining, but he was not yet of age to marry Tamar. Additionally, after having two sons die after taking Tamar as a wife, Judah was reluctant to chance the same fate for his remaining son. Therefore, Judah instructed Tamar to return to her family home and remain a widow until his youngest son, Shelah, was old enough to marry.

We find that Tamar became, in a sense, out of sight and out of mind. Time passed, and she remained a widow, forgotten by the family she married into. Desperate for a way out of a life of loneliness and shame, she concocted her own plan to continue the family name.

After Judah’s wife died, he went on a journey to oversee the shearing of his sheep. On the way, he encountered a woman whom he took to be a shrine prostitute and slept with her. Judah, not having the means to pay the woman at the time, gave her his personal seal and staff to hold as a promise that he would send the payment later.

Judah did not know the woman was his daughter-in-law Tamar, as she was disguised with a veil. When, he sent his servant back to pay the woman later, she was nowhere to be found.

I think we can agree that Tamar did not go about things in the best way. She used deception and went against God’s instruction when she slept with someone who was not her husband, her father-in-law of all people.

She tried to right a wrong on her own, and while the Bible doesn’t tell us what happened to Tamar after she had her twin boys, we can infer that her reputation did not improve after becoming an unwed mother during that time. She was likely shunned from society and perhaps her family as well for her exploits. From scripture, it doesn’t appear that Judah married her.

Despite Tamar’s desperate sins, we again find evidence of our God’s forgiving and compassionate side. God allowed Tamar to become pregnant, and she was doubly blessed with twin boys, Perez and Zerah, to carry on her deceased husband’s lineage. Furthermore, of all the names listed in the genealogy of Jesus Christ in Matthew 1, only five are women. Tamar is one of those five, which shows that God can use anyone for His purposes. His plans are much greater and more perfect than ours.

Sometimes, during desperate times, we do impulsive and foolish things trying to fix things on our own. The common saying, “Desperate times call for desperate measures,” attests to this. What we really need to do in those moments is stop, take time to reset and think clearly, and turn our eyes and hearts to Jesus, praying for help and guidance through the trial.

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles,” (Psalm 34:4-6).

It can be difficult to wait on God’s timing. After several months, I’ve lost my patience with our legal system. Tamar, a more tolerant woman than I, waited years before she finally caved. However, as much as we crave that taste of happiness, that vindication, that reward, that conclusion…we should try to maintain our holiness gained through Jesus, our Lord and Savior, striving to keep his commandments and follow the example He laid out for us.

If you’re struggling with life’s burdens today, I pray you turn to the One who can lift your load. If you’re like me, and you’re dealing with more than you can stand, I encourage you to kneel to the Father in prayer. He will transform your desperation into peace.

“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God,” (Psalm 43:5).

Have a blessed week!

-Becky